TECH
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
When a Phone Turns Sentient & Nosy
By M.B. Alexander
Brilliant phones, they are our assistants, our friends, our confidants, and our gateway to everything. Most of us would literally lose our families without them. I mean, I don’t remember anyone’s phone number. I’m not even sure where they live now. So what would you do if the keeper of all your most sacred information suddenly turned sentient on you?
For Mac Wilton this became his new normal when his brilliant phone decided to take the form of his long lost Aunt Ida, a woman who knew seven languages, but stuck mostly to Yiddish. It started with a strange reminder to call a girl, “When are you gonna call that girl Piper?” The phone suddenly spoke with an old Brooklyn accent. “She’s a very nice girl, you really shouldn’t keep her waiting like that”, the phone Ida barked.
But what really flipped the switch was when he didn’t call Piper, and the phone threatened to tell his mother. Things got even more awkward for Mac when his phone made reservations to an expensive restaurant for him and Piper unbeknownst to him. But the sentient phone didn’t stop there. It ordered an unmanned limo to bring him to the restaurant, and programmed his nano-shifting bodysuit to a tuxedo pattern.
Poor Mac wasn’t the wiser till he was sitting at a fancy candle lit dinner before Piper, who was actually just his organ replacement consultant. She was just as surprised as he was. But both of them nearly choked on their synthetic lab steak when two butterfly drones flew in a black velvet box, which dropped into Piper's hands. The box opened itself to reveal a beautiful engagement ring.
They both gazed at each other in a combination of horror and confusion, till suddenly, Mac’s phone blurted out, “Well, what are you waiting for? Say yes, kiss, and have lots of children!”
“I’m so sorry about this. Something’s wrong with my phone.” Mac uttered. “Nothing’s wrong with me! You’re the one who’s completely fakakta! Look at this girl, she’s beautiful and smart. You don’t even need a baby designer!” The phone ranted.
The phone was not wrong. Mac and Piper did fall in love, got married, and have some nearly perfect kids. But Mac had to set some serious boundaries with his phone. Such as: no emailing life advice to all of Mac’s co-workers, no altering the grocery list with random healthy stuff, no reprogramming everyone’s wardrobe and no shouting insane remarks on Mac’s social media.
So if your phone suddenly turns sentient on you, maybe pause, don’t replace it right away. Maybe it’ll fix your life and find you that one person who will retire as a cyborg with you. That, or you might wake up in Mars after your phone reprogrammed your traveling itinerary. You win some, you lose some.