The MLKY Tourist Visa for Space Aliens
By Arno Freedman
Since our multiple first encounters around 15 years ago, aliens have been showing up on the streets of New York (or “hisss-bzz-fl” as visitors from Kepler-442b like to call it) with growing regularity, and it has begun to occur to government officials, that barring appropriate regulations, space aliens are in fact… illegal aliens.
In order to avoid a repeat of embarrassing scenes in which ICE agents were abducted while trying to deport otherwise friendly aliens, the government now offers a fast track Visa option for aliens from officially inhabited planets, both inside and outside our solar system.
To receive the MLKWY Visa, aliens will first have to land or materialize in this dimensional plane at a designated port of entry. There they will be asked for the purpose of their visit and date of their intended departure. Answers such “I am visiting Earth to enslave your race and turn your household animals into succubae for our own adorable parasitic pets” will not be well received.
We interviewed one of the first recipients of the MLKWY visas, a floating orb with a gelatinous texture from the planet we call Proxima Centauri b. The orb communicated with Chronicle reporter Arno Freeman telepathically, sending waves of gleeful excitement at the opportunity to visit the Earth for the first time. The orb admitted to feeling a bit disgusted at first by humans’ solid consistency and strange dangling appendages, but then after realizing that we needed those appendages to keep us from falling to the ground, added that we humans shouldn’t feel bad for not having mastered telekinesis yet, and that “you’ll get there in a thousand years or so”.
As an interplanetary exchange rate has yet to be established, alien tourists have the opportunity to sell advanced space technologies and rare minerals for their holiday “mad money,” at special trading hubs around the globe. A recent such tourist upended the laws of physics when they introduced a time-reversal device next week in exchange for two Globe-Coins.
In any event, let us make our newest guests feel welcome as they shop our stores, sample our fine dining, and ride our subways by brushing past them and avoiding eye contact, as we would with anybody else in the great city of New York.
