NEWS
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
Super-Earth - A Better Planet Discovered in the Galaxy
By M.B. Alexander
Could it be? Is it true? Have they found a better planet than Earth? Is she like Earth’s younger smarter sister? Or like the Coca-Cola of habitual planets? Yes, it's true, Glorious Galactic Citizens, Earth is about to eat the dust of Super-Earth!
With no pollution traces left behind, this new planet is like “you” before all the bionic replacements. Think pre-modification organic human, pre-cerebral downloads, and implants.
Poor Earth, well, what chance does it stand before a planet that’s much younger and slightly better at everything? Even reliable old gravity is better on Super-Earth. It has just slightly less gravity, which takes skipping and cartwheeling to a whole new level.
If you’re not into skipping, what about some grass that's not just greener it's aqua blue and tastes like vanilla? Surely I've got your attention now?
Super-Earth also has some insane new species that make the most adorable sounds. The newly named Glinggling could best be described as a peach color sheep-monkey. It's mostly harmless if you set aside its fascination with human heads. But don't worry about it too much. Some Glinggling anti-spray will secure your face from an unwarranted snuggle. Shockingly, they don't like the smell of chocolate. Unfortunately, the firefly-lion face creatures love the chocolaty scent, so it's a balance.
Scientists are still working out which animals they should synthesize for food. With fish the size of elephants and cow-horses with the memory of a dolphin, it's hard to decide what type of DNA should be consumed.
But this new planet still has loads of things working for it, such as bouncy rubber-like beaches, golden caves filled with blueberries, and a new tasty bean called coofoa bean that might just replace cacoa and coffee beans forever.
The first crew of humans has already started building new cities across the super globe. So who among us will leave the bosom of Earth for this new planet? Who among us will wear chocolate perfume and skip high in the air among firefly-lions, drinking some piping hot coofoa?
Well, I for one have already submitted my application for the Super-Earth residency lottery. If anyone asks, I’m totally proficient in robotics and bio-engineering.