CULTURE
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
Space Bugs in a New Luxury
By Sam Lustig
Every year around Halloween my kids insist on riding a bike on the hover path they paved across the moon. Thank you Spielberg Jr. for your wonderful ideas! Why couldn’t you leave your great, great grandfather’s legacy as it was? Leave the moon biking for E.T.!!
This year instead of staying in our tight aircraft, I decided to splurge on a luxury stay at a new floater hotel built at a decent distance from the moon. Everything seemed perfectly nice when we walked in. We got a massive room with a fantastic view of Earth. My kids were of course disappointed we didn’t get a moon-facing window, but I like a nice Earth view myself, and I wasn’t about to let them spoil my vacation
Dinner was lovely! We all got Martian shakes and some lab burgers imported from Velvet Space Island. The fries were dusted of parmesan star flakes, and no one complained about the morphing cake that both self-replicated and shifted from chocolate to cheesecake just as we were getting enough of the first.
We then rented bikes with nice a magnetic pull to them. But not too much causing you to feel like you’re fighting the ground or too little making feelas if you’re just gonna float off into the distance. It was a near dream vacation, everyone together, no one bickering. Just us, the moon, and dozens of strangers. It was so nice I almost bought the virtual recap of our ride they tried to sell us at the end.
But, as we dozed off into the night, we all felt little somethings nibbling at our feet. At first, I thought it was just decompression tingles, but as the tingle turned into an itch, and the itch turned into purple bumps on our legs, we soon realized that we were being attacked by space bugs!!
If you think bed bugs are bad, you have not encountered space bugs, which are a mutation of bed bugs caused by a biochemist student that decided it was a good idea to open a make-shift lab in a hotel room and ended up giving the world the gift of space bugs.
In the middle of the night, we all ran out of the hotel to our snug spacecraft. As we all stripped naked in the decompression hall and turned on our sanitization sprays. My daughter looked at me and said, “You know, I think I prefer an Earth view too”.
I grunted as we all sat in our robes and watched our nice clothing being released into the vacuum of space. Moon biking…