TECH
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
How to Shop for Your Genetically Modified Pet
By Arno Freedman
I still remember Layla. She had beautiful brown eyes and matching fur. She was about 3 feet tall with a long flexible trunk that she used to beat me at checkers (all the time!). She was my first Gen-Pet, and I loved her dearly.
Most people nowadays never knew what it was like to grow up with a Gen-Pet, having been born after the original ban in the forties. Back then, the race to create ever smarter pets led to some unplanned consequences, the least of which were the numerous pet uprisings. In fact, while many people suspected that cats were trying to take over the world, it wasn’t until the President’s own cat tried to assassinate her in her sleep that the case was really driven home.
But enough with the history lesson, with new and improved regulations, Gen-Pets are coming back just in time for the holidays, and our own kids will have a chance to enjoy the fun that only a gene-edited phyla-bending critter can provide. Your favorite mega-corp (our bosses) are getting ready to release their brand-new line of custom pets.
The benevolent masters have sent us a few to play around with, and we have some great tips about choosing the right one for you. When picking out your pet, the first thing you’ll want to do is choose the overarching theme – extinct creature, love-interest, flame-throwing Second Amendment tool (so glad that’s still around) – all equally legitimate choices.
Next, do you play it safe with a cute and cuddly mammalian (or reptile sure…) or perhaps go exotic with an oversized arthropod? One may be great to take to the park, but the other can carry all your furniture on their back and dig you a new basement. As the saying goes, once you go ant, you will never go back (but keep some extra-strength insecticide around just in case).
The next thing to look out for is intelligence – do you a want a gullible mut who will fetch a ball or do you want a british-accented terrier who will charm you with their witty banter. Comprehending physical units (CPUs for short) do not come cheap, but they can help alleviate that pesky need for human contact. Just remember, NEVER get a super-smart chimp, just DON’T.
Finally, you will need to size your pet for your domestic situation. Yes, a wooly mammoth will help your kids conquer show and tell, but it might be a tight fit for your two-bedroom apartment. Just remember, you can have any creature miniaturized, even a mammoth. Who knows, maybe you can call her Layla.