CULTURE
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
Life on Mars – a special series by the Chronicle for would-be Martians.
By Arno Freedman
Many people would say that Mars is an inhospitable hell hole to be avoided at all costs. Those people are right of course. If you are reading these words and are actually considering emigrating to Mars, you might want to let those words sink in . . .
Okay, so I guess you still want to move to Mars for some reason. Good for you. You are braver than we are! We at the Chronicles have put together a series of reports to guide you on your merry way.
We know you just want to strap yourself on to the side of the first rocket and ride off into the sunset like an 18th century cowboy, but well… that’s frowned upon by most commercial rocket companies, not to mention the transportation and safety authorities. There are few steps you’ll need to take, and in this installment, we’ll talk about the first step, finding a job to and getting your Visa to Mars.
If you want to get an immigration Visa to Mars (your “Red Card”), your first step will be to apply to Muskopolis, the company that pretty much runs the planet (though if you have a 100 million in the bank, you can try for an Investor Visa).
Mars is the kind of place that expects its colonizers to get their hands dirty, so there are plenty of jobs for tunneling machine operators, oar miners, civil engineers, geologists, and the like, though prostitutes of all genders are also welcome (after all, it can get pretty boring and lonely on Mars).
Start by checking for job openings on the Muskopolis site. Once you’ve applied, expect between 2 days and a year to get a response. Muskopolis has some peculiar hiring habits, and you’ll need to be ready for an interview at all hours. You didn’t hear it from us, but it’s been said that there are some cheat codes you can enter on the site to get an immediate response. Muskies have a strange sense of humor!
Although Muskopolis employs some 900,000 employees, every hire has to go through the Big Cheese himself for their final interview. Keep in mind that he is ancient, with his consciousness baked into a computer, and still loves things like memes and references to antique science fiction. Boring stuff I know, but you’ll want to brush up on your Rick and Morty…
Anyway, if you’re flexible (especially for that prostitution gig), it shouldn’t be a problem to find a position. Did we mention that it is an inhospitable hell hole?
With a formal offer in hand, you can submit your 5100KRZ form to the Mars Relocation Authority. Once confirmed, your next step will be to get a full physical assessment. Mars doesn’t accept any infirm or biologically elderly people, so your bio-age should be no more than 40. If you fail the first time, you can reapply after 6 months, which is plenty of time for some rejuvenation therapy.
Once you have finalized your immigration process, you will be asked by Muskopolis to sign a bunch of forms absolving the company in advance should you meet your untimely death. This is pretty standard in employment contracts with our corporate overlords nowadays. In the case of Mars, this often manifests itself in a fiery explosion even before reaching the planet, though it could happen any number of ways, asphyxiation in the vacuum of space, a tunnel collapse, being pushed off a Martian cliff, and so on and so forth.
Your final step will be to purchase a one-way ticket on one of the Muskopolis Fire-Angels. You can get an advance loan from the company, but at a fairly high-interest rate, and it is the Company itself that manages your debt (not advisable if you ever want to pay it off and leave).
In the next installment, we’ll talk about finding an apartment on Mars and etiquette among Mars colonists (still plenty of time to reconsider).
