CULTURE
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
DEAR LOUISE - APRIL
By M.B. Alexander
Dear Louise,
My husband got one of those new operations where you convert your feet to Reptilian legs. His nails are pointed like claws now, and his feet are covered in hard green scales. I have learned to live with the claws scraping our stone floor. I have learned to live with the chafing on my legs when we go to bed at night. But Louise, the smell . . . Ugh. It is a cross between swamp and seaweed. I find myself gagging and sneaking to the bathroom every time he comes into the house.
What should I do?
Gagging in Ghana
Dear Gagging,
I've spoken with my experts, and they have told me the operation is reversible; that is, if you saved his feet. If so, it can be done, although, it might be a bit painful for him.
If you did not save his feet, well, your husband should go through a very thorough cleaning every week at a foot cleaning professional to remove and refresh between the scales.
You don't say if your husband consulted you before the operation or if you have told him about the smell. This seems to be a bigger problem than smelly feet.
I suggest you have a frank talk with him.
Always, Louise
Dear Louise,
I was a wallflower in high School.
Today I am a successful businesswoman selling wallpaper with live wallflowers.
My high school 40th reunion is coming up this summer, and it will be the first one I will have attended. As the time is getting closer I am getting nervous.
What if they make fun of me? I mean, the wallflower selling wallflowers? Such an easy target.
What would you do?
Not such a sunny, Sunflower
Dear Sunny,
Oh come on. You're a successful business woman. How many can boast that? If they laugh at you, laugh with them. What a wonderful way to overcome an awkward image. They can only appreciate and respect you. And if they don't, who cares?
Always, Louise
Dear Louise,
My best friend Jacky and I had planned a trip to climb the Himalayas for Spring Vacation, using no shortcuts via technology, i.e., hoverboards, rockets, etc. Just hiking and climbing. A friend of mine, Connie, found out about it and wants to come along. Connie and Jacky know one another, but Jacky detests Connie, unbeknownst to her. Jacky and I have planned this trip for a few years, but I don't want to hurt Connie's feelings. Please tell me what to do.
Stumped
Dear Stumped,
Wow, talk about feeling backed into a corner. You and Jacky have planned this trip for a long time with the understanding the trip would be between you two. You do risk hurting Connie and possibly losing a friend. I won't ask how good of a friend, but I will tell you, you have a right not to include her. You can truthfully say, "Sorry, not this time. We have planned this for a long time and know what we are doing; we can't run the risk of letting someone in who might not have the training or understand what this trek entails. If it works out, you and I can plan another type of trip later on". This way, it is not personal, and you are not hurting her feelings.
Alternatively, you could use “New You” Cloning Replacement Services” and go on to separate hikes with both of your friends, just beware of their recent malfunctions.
What to do in the future about keeping these two friendships separate is another thing. Good Luck.
Always,
Louise