CULTURE
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
Dear Louise Column - December 2171
By Louise Farfell
Dear Louise,
When addressing an envelope or invitation, written or oral, to a throuple, whose name goes first?
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
In ancient times a heterosexual couple would be addressed as "Mr." or "Mrs.", and the female title, as a sign of respect, would be written first. I checked with my panel of experts to find out the new rules: they said that really, "whatever floats your boat". In other words, there are no rules anymore. However, I think you should list them in accordance to age, the youngest first. The youngest needs the boost the most. But my panel did say that once you choose a way, stick to it and stay consistent.
Always, Louise
Dear Louise,
My partner and I went on a 2-week vacation to Puerto Rico, Earth. We left our Alsatian dog at a new upper-grade kennel where they put your dog on an exercise program and offer psychological therapy should your canine fall into a depression due to your absence. You can register your dog for other classes as well, which we did not.
When we came back Harvey seemed okay, but once we got home he started "meowing" instead of barking. We do not know what happened or what to do. If we wanted a cat we would have bought one and are very upset.
We could sue the kennel but it still won't solve the problem of Harvey's language change.
Jeeze Louise, what should we do?
Helpless (in Hoboken)
Dear Helpless,
Indeed, how disconcerting: I can just imagine: a stranger comes to the door and instead of barking your dog meows. But the good news is I have talked to my experts. They said that often these high-grade kennels mix dogs and cats together, especially if there is a small amount of each. Said canine and feline socializing can sometimes result in each species adopting the lingo of the other. But they assured me this is temporary and without the continued reinforcement of surrounding cats your dog should return to barking in no time.
Dear Louise,
My wife gave birth, in the traditional manner, 5 years ago to a lovely little girl. She smiles, she laughs, and she is quite pretty. She is also very bright and is a quick learner. The problem is we recently learned that she is not our child and was mixed up with a child from another couple at the clinic. The other couple seems intent on righting a wrong. But it's not just that we love this little child and have grown used to her (the other child looks and behaves like my Aunt Bertha). Aunt Bertha is look impaired and her idea of a joke is a series of machine-gun farts that no one finds funny at all. We believe the other couple may also be so keen to correct this error as the child is rude and mean.
(We don't want her).
There is a Statute of Limitations for crimes committed, why not for this? Do we have a case?
Disappointed and needing to upgrade family DNA
Dear Disappointed,
Your signature is telling. Wouldn't we all like to upgrade our DNA by incorporating a better behaved child into our line. Especially when infant engineering in the womb doesn't always succeed or if it does, is not always passed along in future DNA.
I also understand how hard it is to give up one you have grown to love and think of as your own. But if this other family so desires, you are legally are bound to make the switch.
You have my sincere sympathy.
Have you heard of "Personality Re-alignment engineering in preschoolers"? It may make living with the child easier, but it will have no effect on future familial DNA.
Always, Louise
Dear Readers: It is that time of year again. Since the World Federation of Thought and Belief decreed that all religions should be tolerated and allowed to flourish provided they make no crusades or forcefully try to convert others to their beliefs we are lucky to witness the splendor of many religious celebrations at the end of the year. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year. And you don't have to adhere to any particular religion or belief system, no matter your life form or orientation, to wish and be wished: Peace and Goodwill. Bless you all, my good friends.