NEWS
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
Travel Warning - Avoid Putin’s Moon!
By M.B. Alexander
One hundred years ago, most of Russia’s citizens left, due to Putin’s endless rule. Most of them thought he would eventually die of old age; and then, all of those citizens who complained about starvation would be freed from his jails. But then he became one of the first humans to successfully go through a tech incarceration when he upgraded his body to a cyborg body with replaceable bionic body parts.
It was then that the Russians who still had an ounce of energy left crawled over Russia’s expanded border with Hungry & Austria. Annoyed that he could not put them all in jail, Putin put all the Russian cats in jail claiming their “purr” didn’t seem patriotic enough to him.
With an exponentially declining population, Putin found himself nearly alone, with more land to himself than any other country in the world. A fact which he truly appreciated, since he never really saw the need for so many people around him, or for that matter, in any given area of the globe. But it left the old metal tyrant in desperate need of an army. After all, he couldn’t fight all his wars from his basement with his PlayStation counterfeit device.
After a very long consultation with himself, Putin agreed with himself, that the only solution for his demographic problems was to both clone himself and download his consciousness into millions of cyborgs.
Thus a new nation was born, “The Putins”. The only problem was that cloning was still scientifically in its diaper stage and so were his new clones, quite literally, for many years. When you put all your scientific community in jail for having thoughts that can happen to you. It’s not inconceivable that one such tyrant would be left with inferior technology.
With faulty organic Putins and metal Putins alike, one would think the actual Putin would finally be satisfied in his self-made heaven, but the problem was all the Putins wanted to lead. None of the replicated Putins wanted to make dinner or clean the toilet. This led to a lot of bloodshed, but also the development of a subservient nation called Putins’ Humanoid Androids, which were not created in Putin's image.
Ultimately this brave subservient nation of AI’s decided they were fed up with the devaluation of their lives and the limitation of their prospects. So they sedated all the Putin clones and placed them on a spacecraft to a terraformed moon of Jupiter. The cyborg Putin’s were much trickier to clear out. They had to create special charging thrones for each one of them on a spaceship replica of the Kremlin, then deploy them before they reached 10% of their battery.
The plan was not without fault, seeing as one Putin or two were still left behind. As we all know, even one Putin is enough to wreak havoc on the whole world. Also, the Putins' new terraformed moon only put them in a position to attack all the new nations forming around Jupiter. They also trapped any travelers passing by and turned them into their new sub-servants.
So if you are en route to Jupiter or any of its surrounding moons, Earth’s global council suggests not to make any pit stops on Putin’s moon, unless you wanna serve an angry tyrant borscht for the rest of your life.